The Lesson of the Butter Dish

Many people have asked me if Elizabeth and I felt strange because we never had an opportunity to know each other before our marriage.

The fact is that we did not feel like strangers. After marriage we began to talk as if we had known each other for many years. Of course, we both had known the same intimate Friend, Jesus Christ. We both desired to copy His character traits in our lives. This God-factor made a difference.

Sadly, many people today leave God-factor out. God is definitely interested in our well-being. He wants to show His greatness through our family. Whatever the psychological makeup of a couple, God has designed every family with great potential to glorify Him.

It is true that many people take factors like health, wealth and status into account when considering marriage. Many think of the God-factor, but only in terms of their own material prosperity. When such people experience material loss, they question God and even blame Him. If we entrust God with anything, we can be assured that everything will be perfect. It may not be perfect according to our terms, but we must remember that we have a limited perspective. God makes everything perfect on His terms.

Coming back to my marriage, I say that it was ‘God-arranged’.

In this context, a God-arranged marriage means an arrangement that involves the ‘Altar Test’. This is when both parties put everything on the altar and give up their rights and expectations. In a way, a God-arranged marriage is like purifying gold in the furnace, where all the unwanted elements burn away, leaving only the best.

Elizabeth and I wanted to seek God’s kingdom first through our lives together. It was a thrilling and encouraging experience to be with friends who sincerely prayed for us and wished us God’s best.

We knew we were going to have an exciting future because we had several friends who had prayed for us. We thought of all the things we could do in the future, with the backing of supportive prayers from sincere friends, a great family heritage, education, and all the abilities God had given us.

We were well received by our friends in the church and our social circle. We were given opportunities to exercise leadership, which helped build our confidence. We felt we had been prepared by God in a special way for each other, and that we were ready to set an example as a deeply spiritual family. After all, we were mature and needed to achieve so much for God through the many opportunities, He had given us. We also sensed the need to get ourselves better equipped for God’s work—although we felt our prayer life and our daily devotional life were strong, at least by normal standards.

Why, then, did some minor matters begin to bother me?

For example, during those early days, we enjoyed a quick breakfast of bread, butter, jam and boiled eggs. It was my habit to cover the butter dish or replace the lid of the jam bottle as soon as I used these items. My wife’s habit, however, was to leave all the lids and covers off, and to close them only when breakfast was over.

I didn’t like to see the butter dish and the jam bottle left open. I did not want to tell Elizabeth about it or force her to change her habits, but I did wish she would close them up the way I liked it!

I decided that the best way to deal with it was to close them gently myself every time I found them left open. I hoped she would follow my good example in a few days. When this didn’t happen, I figured she had not gotten the message. So I began to close the containers more forcefully to produce a good clicking noise! This would let her know that I wanted them closed. But even that failed to change her. My wife still left the jars and butter dish uncovered.

Now what was I supposed to do? Was I going to have to live with such an annoyance all my life? Even after enjoying a nice breakfast, the unclosed lids haunted my thoughts. I began to think about the lids even while I travelled to my office. She did not close them! She did not have the sense to follow what I wanted! Why can’t she close them?

I began to get worked up and irritated—and once even ended up getting on the wrong bus. My frustration continued to bother me even after I reached work. It affected my thinking process, and I began to ask question like: “Why did God give me this kind of wife? What happened to the prayers of so many friends? Is this the kind of wife God wanted me to have?”

It’s amazing how easily we come to believe that our foundations are being shaken. We need to recognize that God has many ways of speaking to us. I learned from C.S. Lewis’s book, The Problem of Pain, that God sometimes uses pain as a kind of megaphone to get our attention when He wants to speak to us.

In this situation, God spoke to me and taught me some great and valuable lessons. In the midst of my agitation, he answered my angry questions. But the answer was far different from what I had expected. He told me, “Until you change your attitude, your wife will continue to keep the butter dish and jam opened. Until you stop getting agitated and view your wife differently, she will not close them!”

Now I could see more clearly what was happening.

I had been saying that I wanted to accomplish God’s purpose in my life. God was testing my desire to accomplish His purposes by giving me the ‘right’ kind of wife—one who would help me to see my own weaknesses and faults. God wanted to develop my personality, and He provided the right kind of tool with that purpose in mind. He was using my wife as a precious tool in His hands to chip away the rough edges of my personality. My pastor could not do it. My mentor could not do it. My supervisor at work could not do it. The best tool God could use was my own wife. Therefore, I should not get worked up when I go through hard times. Instead, I must say, “Thank you Lord for my wife!”

It wasn’t long before my wife discovered the very same truth, especially when I behaved contrary to her expectations. She also began to thank God for me. (she probably had to thank God more often, because of my rough and selfish nature!) Before marriage, we were two; after marriage we became one. We both benefited from being used as God’s tool on each other.

Arriving Home

My wife Elizabeth devoted twenty-nine years of her life to caring for the children. She fell ill in the course of her struggle to sustain them, and she died of polymyocitis at age of fifty-six.

We had noticed signs of this illness five years prior to her death, and tried to do the best for her without hindering her desire to serve the children. It was indeed a great struggle for her, especially while handling boys with breathlessness, vomiting and diarrhea. She used to keep awake for days to give them suction, oxygen, inhalation therapy and artificial respiration. It required constant vigil.

The prolonged exhaustion and stress wore her down, producing muscle paralysis and associated problems. But she continued caring for the children until she could no longer swallow and had to go on nasal feed. She did not want to leave the children to be away in hospital, so we treated her at home under the care of specialists. She was hospitalized only during the last eighteen days of her life.

When Elizabeth was moved to the intensive care unit, the health of Johny and Ronnie also worsened and so they too were hospitalized. At the same time, my father was admitted to another hospital owing to a heart problem.

The doctors gave her the best treatment possible in Kerala, and all those who prayed for her did so in the expectant hope of her recovery. But God answered our prayers differently.

She was totally bed-ridden, with tubes inserted for nasal feeding. On the day she became fifty-six years old, a month before her death, we gave her a birthday card signed by me and the children. Although she was immobilized and uncomfortable with muscle pain, she carefully looked at the birthday card and commented: “I know today is my birthday, and I choose to be happy”. There was no reason for her to be happy that day. Infact she was writhing in pain. It was her choice to be glad. She did not accept God’s will in her life with a long, disappointed face. Rather she always had an assurance that flowed from the gentle touch of God’s loving hand.

Elizabeth was so firm in her faith that she always took part in the business of the kingdom, whether at the office or in caring for the children. Along with her personal involvement in ministry, she strongly supported me. I was able to go around the world several times a year only because of her. All who know our situation will acknowledge that she bore the brunt of our suffering and afflictions. Yet she never complained.

I have seen her spending time in prayer not only during family devotions or during times of great need, but also in the quietness of the night. Her personal devotion and meditation on God’s Word were the secrets of her strength. Her singing voice was comforting to the children and me. She was fond of teaching Scripture songs to children.

Although she lived on this planet only for fifty-six years, Elizabeth did more work than an ordinary person would have done with twice the lifespan. What she needed was rest. God in His wisdom opted not to heal her physically. Finally, He called her to eternal rest on 26^th November, 1998.

It was a very difficult task for me to go and tell Johny and Ronnie about their mother’s death. She was everything to them. Before her body was moved to the mortuary, I went to their hospital room and quietly told the boys that it had pleased the Lord to call her Home. Immediately, Johny replied “God must have felt that it was good for Mommy to be called Home”. Ronnie nodded his head in affirmation. The Lord gave them enduring peace, the peace that passes all human understanding. This peace is available to all of us today.

Are you Willing to Give Up?

“I’ve got my rights!” We’ve all said something like that at one time or another. Our rights are important to us. It means, we deserve consideration and respect. We feel discontented and angry when our rights are denied. Like it or not, we must be willing to give up our rights. It may be legitimate to possess certain items, hold certain positions, or aspire certain benefits. But we must be willing to give up our rights for Jesus’ sake, even as He gave up His rights when He became a man (see Philippians 2: 6-7).

We can follow the pattern Jesus showed us in yielding our rights to God. We are not our own; we are under God’s mercy. All that belongs to us were given to us. We are stewards of all that is in our possession, including our good environment, training and health. There is nothing wrong therefore in yielding our rights to God. Most quarrels result from someone violating someone’s rights. If we hold onto our rights too tightly, we will be creating more tension and subsequent quarrels.

Consider a typical home and family. The father, mother, children and others in the household will all have personal rights. If each one of them holds tightly to his or her rights, there is bound to be some violation. The result will be quarrels, misunderstandings, and general disturbance of the family atmosphere. There will be more enemies in the family than loved ones! But if the members of the family are willing to give up their personal rights, they can then afford to be flexible and open to compromise.

The bottom line is this: we really do not lose anything when we surrender our rights to God. We read in the Bible how Abraham laid his beloved son, Isaac, on the altar. Abraham had every right to argue his case when he was asked to perform such a painful task. It is very difficult to place something you really love on the altar of sacrifice. There will be a lot of struggle in your mind as you try to decide whether what you are doing is right and proper. But we know that in the case of Abraham, he trusted God fully.

When we yield our rights fully trusting, we can relax over what feels like a loss. God is interested in meeting our needs, and so there is no need to worry. In the case of Abraham, God gave Isaac back to him with greater blessings (see Genesis 22:10-12). Likewise, God gives us back our privileges when we yield our rights to Him.

The Bomb Threat

The Bomb Threat!

On November 12^th, 1992, I was returning to India from Singapore, after attending a conference. It was a full flight, non-stop to Chennai.

Usually passengers on this flight carry a lot of luggage with merchandise bought from Singapore. The flight staff walk across the aisle and tell the passengers to keep the bags under the seat to ensure ease of movement. People store their bags under the seats, on their laps, and in the overhead cabins. On this day, the scene was no different!

As the flight time was only a little over three hours, the passengers were eager to land in Chennai soon. But the ‘fasten your seat belts’ sign lit up earlier than expected. As it did so, the captain announced that the air traffic control ordered him to land in Colombo instead of Chennai, ‘for operational reasons’.

The passengers were not happy to have this stop in Colombo, especially as the scheduled arrival time in Chennai was quite late in the evening. Almost certainly, this meant waiting in Colombo overnight!

After the plane landed, I noted that the plane was taxiing quite fast and away from the terminal building. When it came to a halt, we were instructed to get up from our seats as quickly as possible and proceed to the nearest exit without our hand luggage. There was a bomb threat!

The announcement created fear and panic on the plane; this is why the captain had not told us earlier, the reason for the change in flight plan. By the time the message was relayed to the flight, it was almost too late! The authorities wanted to prevent a mid-air explosion, so they brought the plane down at the nearest airport instead of letting it fly on to Chennai.

In the life and death situation that prevailed, the passengers quickly forgot their valuables and deplaned as fast as they could. Merchandise, passports, return and onward tickets - all were left behind. I was seated in the aisle seat just behind the exit row, so it was easy for me to proceed to the exit.

The two elderly passengers who were at the window and middle seats wanted to get to the door as quickly as possible. I therefore stood up to give room for them to come out. While I was rising from my seat, a word of assurance came to me: “… last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me and said, Don’t be afraid…” (Acts.27:23). The God to whom I belong and whose I am…! Right away I knew in my heart that the bomb was not going to explode, and that we were safe.

The ‘bomb squad’, well-protected with helmets, gloves and coveralls, got everyone out of the plane in less than five minutes! I voluntarily assisted by staying at the exit until a bomb squad member asked me to move on. None of us were allowed to remain near the aircraft: we were taken on coaches to the terminal building.

What next? It was announced that the aircraft was being thoroughly examined for the bomb, and that we would take off only after it was declared safe. Finally, at midnight, we were told that the aircraft was damaged due to the intense and thorough inspection, and so we would have to wait for another aircraft to arrive from Singapore.

The ground staff started collecting our details, especially particulars of those waiting for the arriving passengers in Chennai. In addition, they tried to console the worried passengers. As there were only few staff on duty at this time of night, the passengers had to rush between counters for some hopeful information. I thought I would try to help such passengers, especially those who had to fill out forms. I was able to talk to several passengers, encourage them and help them with the procedures and formalities at the airport. More and more people started coming to me, as a result of which I was kept busy the entire night, and had little time to think about my own difficulties.

Finally, we were moved to downtown hotels to sleep, bathe and have breakfast. The first thing we had to do when we returned to the airport was collect our hand carried items from the previous plane. Many of the bags had been opened in the search for the bomb. Several passengers who, the night before had been thinking only of saving their lives, now began to fret over lost belongings. We arrived at Chennai the next evening, but I could not get a seat on the connecting flight. I had to wait for the rerouting of my ticket.

Well, what can you really do when things are not in your control? Waiting for over three hours in the security line is not easy. Of course, many who were standing in the line were cursing the terrorists and accusing the security staff for their slow progress. I found my weekly prayer diary very helpful in diverting my attention. Indeed, it was a wonderful time of talking to God about the needs of various people, thanking the Lord, and praying for the worried passengers on the flight.

Let’s be prepared to face unexpected delays with grace.

Climbing out of the boat

One day, while Elizabeth was caring for both of the boys, she complained of some abdominal pain. She went to a gynecologist who examined her and discovered an enlarged ovarian cyst. The gynecologist told us to have the cyst removed by surgery as soon as possible, otherwise it might burst!

After examination, the doctor suggested removing both the ovaries and the fibroid uterus completely - a major surgery! We were stunned. How could Elizabeth go the hospital when she was the person who cared for the children?

We arranged for a private nurse to take care of Elizabeth while she was in the hospital, and I decided to look after the children. I prayed especially that God would not allow both children to be sick at the same time. Elizabeth could easily look after both simultaneously, but I could only handle one at a time.

God, however, had something else in mind. Although everything went well in the hospital with the surgery, at home both boys became very sick at the same time. We had some people to help, but I had to stay awake at night and take care of them. During this time, God gave me something special from His Word: “Here he comes, leaping upon the mountains and bounding over the hills” (Song of Solomon 2:8) and “The Lord God is my strength, and he will give me the speed of a deer and bring me safely over the mountains” (Habakkuk 3:19).

My problems may have been as big as the mountains, and my difficulties may have been as high as the hills, but the Lord could victoriously surmount all problems and difficulties. Not only did the Lord win, but He also made my feet like the feet of a deer to leap and skip upon these problems. How could God have shown me His sufficiency if only one of the children had been sick? He had to allow both to be sick for me to experience the greatness of His power.

Jesus invites us to experience victory in and through our troubles. We read in the Gospel narratives that Jesus told His disciples to get into their boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while He stayed to get the people started home. Afterwards He went up into the hills to pray. Night fell, and out on the lake the disciples were in trouble with the wind and heavy seas.

At about four o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water, and they thought He was a ghost. But Jesus reassured them saying, “Don’t be afraid”!

Then Peter called to Him: “Sir, if it is really you, tell me to come over to you walking on the water”. Jesus agreed. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water towards Jesus (see Matthew 14:22-29).

The disciples saw Jesus overcoming all the storms and waves as He came towards them. He even allowed Peter to overcome them with Him. God wants us to win the victory on His terms. But, like Peter, we should not get terrified by all the afflictions and difficulties.

Sometimes the victory will be in the troubles. We will benefit immensely as we go through situations that are humanly unbearable. In certain cases there will be victory from the troubles. We are not designed to get defeated by depression and fear. We are designed to win with God’s strength and continuous empowerment.

Elizabeth was discharged from the hospital after successful surgery, and the boys were much better when she returned home. I realized at that time how much Elizabeth must have suffered all those years. But she said, she was strengthened and empowered to carry a greater load. God is our strength. He surely makes our feet like those of the deer to leap over all difficulties.